I won't lie, being a momma makes me feel a little crazy sometimes. Alright, a lotta crazy. Like I have no idea where I am, where I'm going, or which end is up. Like my former life is a mere mirage created in my dreams to taunt me about the might have beens or things I used to do.
Some days I pray in earnest, 'God, I love my children, but this is stinkin' hard.' God could you make them compliant today. Not whine today. Not fight today. Heck, maybe you could make them lunch today. Just send down some manna...that works for me. God, the other moms seem to have it all together...can I have some of that 'together'...I think I'm missing something here...
Lisa...my child...let go...of the expectation...of the discontentment...of the idea that you were not created for this...
I know, I know, YOU know that plans you have for me. I have to trust. Have faith. Hold onto the truth that you know the desires of my heart. That you see me, and my hopes even as I wash floors, and change diapers and put another boot on another foot because it is snowing for the 172nd day here in Buffalo. You know. You know, right?
Lisa (stern voice, eyebrows raised...)
I know. I know. I'm being stubborn. I'm being doubtful. I'm not listening. Gosh darned...just like my two year old. I'm probably driving you as crazy as she drives me some days. I'm trying God. To be patient and just do the tasks set before me. To do them well...without grumbling and complaining. I'm trying to be patient, throughout the day, in the midst of it all.
Lisa, I know. I see you.
Thank you God. For stories like Hagar. You knew her. You saw her. You had plans for her. I will cling to you today instead of to my discontent. I will trust. I will stop and breathe. I will pray. And thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon me.
...But, if you could...if you would...just in case you didn't know exactly what I've been thinking about...there is this writing conference in Concord, North Carolina in July that I'd really, really, REALLY, like to go to, and there is this scholarship contest going on right now...and well...just, maybe?
Smirk. You make me laugh my child.
Here's the thing...I have this HUGE passion in my heart to speak to, and write for, and connect with other mommies who feel a little lost in all of this mothering too. I want to encourage them. I want to connect with them. I want to help the other's who are struggling. I would love to share my story so at the very least they know they are not alone, but sometimes I feel a little lost in figuring out how to do that. But this conference...well, I think it would be a great motivator-- a huge help. I know God, you are there for all of those other moms, that they don't really need me in their lives... but I'd love to be your hands, your feet, your mouth, in flesh, to reach them and remind them that you created them too...that you see them. I'd really love to do that God.
Nod. Smile. I know Lisa. I know.
Alright...well, that's it for today. I saw this quote the other day and it made me laugh...It said 'God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called." I spent my whole life, before kids, trying to "qualify" myself to do what I thought I wanted to do...lately, I feel so unqualified to do anything, but maybe that's the whole point, huh? To help me to realize that it's your help I need, not the 'qualifications' of the world. I suppose I am learning a thing or two beyond toddler speak and how to give a preschooler a bath without soaking the entire bathroom...cool stuff. Thanks God.
You're welcome Lisa. I love you. Remember that.
I know. Thank you. I'm a bit of a bugger sometimes.
So, friends...there is this really cool writing conference in Concord, North Carolina from July 22nd-24th and I think it would be a wonderful opportunity to give some grit, gusto and gumption to the ideas in my head...ideas for books, for talks, for reaching a wider audience than my itty bitty blog here...although I do love ya'll and I would keep writing blog entries just for you no matter what!
The conference is called She Speaks and it is run by Proverbs 31 Ministries, this really cool, encouraging and empowering ministry that reaches out to empower and encourage women.
That said, there is a contest going on right now to win a scholarship to the conference so I'm writing this post to A) tell you about the conference, B) tell you about the contest and C) enter myself in the contest via this post.
Say some prayers my friends...For my guidance...and for a really cool door to open!