Some days I wonder, where did I go...
Am I under the kitchen table with the leftover crumbs?
Am I buried beneath one of the laundry piles on the basement floor?
Am I stashed away in one of the toy bins with princess dresses, tiaras, balls, blocks and legos?
Perhaps I am hiding away in one of the messy, unorganized closets or cabinets with that packet of gravy mix that I SWORE I bought, but seems nowhere to be found, or the 8 month old tablecloth in the target bag without a receipt that was supposed to have been returned, well, at least 6 months ago?
Yesterday was a day like that ladies. Where on earth did I go?
It was a long one. Scott's boss was in town and he left early and came home late (after the girls were in bed).
I was numb and crabby by the time he came home. I know these things go with the territory (literally, in our case as Scott is in sales which requires him to cover a very specific territory), but it doesn't make me like them any better. I have great empathy for single moms on days like yesterday. I don't know how they do it...how they survive. Or military moms...God bless you all...truly... my selfish pity-party holds no candle to what you go through.
But partner or no partner, I am convinced that many moms struggle with losing themselves in the constant demands...and I am no exception. As a matter of fact, if there were a manual on motherhood with a chapter on struggling with your identity as a mother, my photo would be right there on the front page looking a little disgruntled with greasy hair and bags under my eyes.
Some days I think my lesson in all of this motherhood craziness is to rise above, to change my perspective, to choose to be happier, more peaceful and more at ease about it all.
Some days I think that I may never be completely peaceful about it all, it is just something I'll have to work through until my girls are in school and I have a bit more time to work on other things I'm passionate about.
Some days I think I should get a job just to get out of the house. On those days I literally think that I would maintain more of my sanity collecting trash. I've always thought it looked like fun to ride on the side of the garbage truck.
When I'm having days like this I try to remind myself that even if I can't really see where I am going, God knows where I am...He sees me whether I'm hidden in the closet, with the crumbs under the table or up to my ankles in toilet water with a play date going on in my kitchen (true story!).
I had a meeting with a woman at my church several weeks ago...I just wanted to talk about all of these passions in my heart and mind to do all sorts of things while continuing to balance my responsibilities to my family...
...sometimes it's hard to lay those things aside...dreams to write, to teach, to reach others...when God just wants you to reach out and hug your own whining child all day....it's humbling, for sure.
Anyway, she said, "God knows your heart and knows your dreams and knows RIGHT where you are. Every dirty dish, and diaper and tantrum that you need to manage IS part of his plan...You can't write, or teach or reach those HE has for you to reach without going through the steps He has for you to go through."
Grrrrr. And thank you. That's what I had to say to that.
How do other moms deal with feeling like they've lost themselves? Though I often feel like I'm the only one, I know that can't be true...