Alright, let me take that back...There was a time in my life when mall + kid (singular! not plural) equated to an o.k. situation.
Like when Ava was a very small baby, still in a stroller and unable to walk and I could hand her puffs and juice and stroll leisurely through the mall because I was either bored at home or needed something new to make me feel better about my post child figure.
The mall + 2 small children, however, is NEVER, ever, ever, ever really an o.k. situation. I don't know why I try to convince myself otherwise.
I knew better when I took them there the other day, but I figured I'd be quick...just this once...AND, I didn't want to stare at the stupid Pottery Barn wreath that I ordered, along with the napkins and high priced holiday "berries" that I added (to get to a total of $50 so I could use my coupon for $25 off a $50 order) any longer...
Want to know why I didn't want to stare at it any longer?
Because the day I got it in the mail I was so excited to hang it on my front door that I ran down to the basement to gather the other fall decorations that I had nicely set aside in a bin labeled "Fall Decorations"...too bad I didn't open that bin before I placed my Pottery Barn order...
I ordered the same stinkin' wreath last Fall with the same stinkin' coupon and it was in my stinkin' "Fall Decorations" bin all along...
This, my friends, is what has happened to my brain since kids...mush...pure mush....
So anyway, it's a nice fall day and we pile in the car to and head to the mall.
Not sure if you've ever tried to do a Pottery Barn return with two children...let's just say, not a great place to do a return with two small children. My dialogue sounded like this as I tried to complete my transaction with the sales girl (who EVIDENTLY did NOT have children!).
"Yes, yes, I need to return this."
"DON'T put your feet on the couch it is VERY light tan!!! Ella, we DON'T put our dirty feet on couches in stores."
"Did you want to look around?" she asks.
"Who? Me? Oh NO! I can't shop with these....ELLA, do not touch those vases!!!...with these two! I don't even usually do...AVA, put those apples (fake!) back, they are not ours!... What was I saying, I'm sorry."
"Oh, it's o.k. I'll just finish this up for you."
"Yes, yes, that would be great!"
"Ella, you can not take the lids off of those jars! Put those back before you break something!"
We do somehow finally make it out of the store unscathed and without having to purchase any broken merchandise...and then head to the Gap (to buy two t-shirts for a scheduled photo session the next day) and Old Navy for a Halloween costume.
All of our errands are successful, despite Ava knocking Ella down on the floor in the Gap...I mean like flat on her back down...to which the sales lady said, "Ooooh...that was loud, she hit her head hard"...I pick Ella up, and put Ava in a time out on the bottom of a sales rack...
We manage to buy Ella a costume and even purchase lunch in the food court...though I must confess to having asked two 18ish looking old girls and one 18ish looking old boy...with a 2 year old sitting next to them (I think he was the father, though I can't be sure) to watch the girls while I ran to grab Ella a slice of pizza because she refused to eat the Teriyaki Chicken I had purchased for Ava...not my crowning best mom moment, but I didn't have much choice and I was completely watching them the entire time I was in line.
We finish lunch, ride the elevator and escalator one more time each (this is the only reason my children come to the mall!) and head home...at which point I realize I have my Old Navy bag, but no Gap bag...
Apparently, I had left my Gap bag somewhere in Old Navy. It is a complete mystery to me where I may have left it because I was trying to get the girls to keep from knocking over the clothing racks they were attempting to hide beneath while I looked for a costume...however, when I called the store they had miraculously found it and so I asked them to hold it until later in the day when I could get back to get it.
So....Ella and I made a second trip to the mall that night...to pick up the missing bag from Old Navy and return the shirts to the Gap because I had consequentially determined that black was not a good t-shirt color for a nice fall picture of my children.
For those of you who are my Facebook friends, you likely know the rest of the story...but just in case you do not it goes like this...
Ella and I spend about 20 minutes rifling through racks of clothing trying to find 2 t-shirts that will coordinate with each other and with the silver skirts I have at home for the girls. I am finally successful at finding shirts and ready to get out of the store because I am actually supposed to have Ella at the Doctor's office in about 20 minutes for a late appointment because she had been coughing for days like an old man with emphesma (although, come to find out her lungs apparently sound completely fine!).
We are finally cashing out and I am about to sign my receipt when I here, "Mommy...I peeing"
I look down...big puddle on the floor, pee coming out of the pant of her jeans and soaking through EVERYTHING...pants, underwear, socks, shoes...she has soaked herself and puddled the floor as two sales girls stand watching and a gentleman stands behind me in line.
I look at the cashier, eyes wide, "I'm so sorry!"
The cashiers were great and, if you did read my Facebook post you would know that the scariest part of the entire situation was that I was not even embarrassed...I'm thinking I lost that part of my brain along with the rest of my brain that has gone to mush...One sales clerk grabbed paper towels and bless her soul, wiped up my daughter's pee. Another helped me quickly find underwear and pant and another came to console me in the dressing room with stories of her own son doing the same thing.
This is what I LOVE about being a mom...it is this total fellowship of women who completely understand things like pee on floors at stores. They don't judge you, they don't criticize you, they simply help you clean up the mess and move on your way!
So, here is Ella holding up her new undies in the dressing room...yes, I did stop her for a moment to take a picture. If we were going to be in the middle of something that crazy I was going to certainly document it for future laughs!
My wreath is hanging on my front door, the pictures have been taken, and Ella's cough is getting better...
....but perhaps most importantly, I will NOT be going to the mall today, or anytime soon with my children...until, that is, I get really, REALLY bored, or perhaps re-order something else that I already own...I'm thinking Christmas decorations...